Rants Archives, 1: January 24
- February 11, 2002
Monday,
February 11, 2002:
So I was just going to bitch about my life, but I saw
this
and got so excited I decided to post it instead. You see,
my friend Pam first told me about this stuff via another friend of
hers, and I thought it was a joke at first, but alas, it's true! It
was even made into a really crappy movie with Kirk Cameron (a fact which
they chose to leave out of this article, I noticed). I'll take a direct
quote from this article:
Bantam Books has paid close to $45 million for four new novels by Tim
Lahaye, a Baptist pastor and co-author of a series of apocalyptic Christian
novels whose sales rival those of "Harry Potter". ... With Jerry B.
Jenkins, Lahaye has published nine installments in his "Left Behind"
saga of evangelical thrillers based on prophecies from the Book of Revelation.
At the outset of the first volume, "A Novel of the Earth’s Last Days,"
747 pilot Rayford Steele is flying to London when the Rapture occurs.
The ninth volume, "Desecration: The Antichrist Takes the Throne," appeared
last year. The four books Bantam acquired form a series involving a Christian
archaeologist-professor similar to Indiana Jones.
Okay, I don't even know where to begin deconstructing
this article. But let's try, shall we? For the ease of our home
readers, I've broken it up into two sections (see below). First of all,
I somehow doubt that it "rivals the sales" of Harry Potter ,
seeing as how no one outside of Joe's Really White Christian Bookstore
and People With Twisted Senses of Humor like me, Pam and her friend have
ever even heard of "The Left Behind". Secondly, Rayford-fucking-Steele
?!? I'd like to think that if God Almighty wanted to give humankind
a second chance at salvation on earth or whatever the fucking crap these
books are supposed to be about, My Fearless Leader would not have such
a retarded name. Not only that, but exactly which prophecies from the Book
of Revelation contain mythologies about a 747 pilot who has adventures because
he happens to be flying to London when the Rapture occurs? I must have been
asleep during Religion class that day; Christ knows it wouldn't have been
the first time. But back to Rayford Steele - I keep picturing Remington
Steele from that circa 1983 TV show with Stephanie Zimbalist. I mean, Christ
on a cracker! I would, however, kinda like to see the Anti-Christ take
the throne, as advertised in the Ninth Book. Lastly, can I just say I LOVE
that Rayford Steele is supposed to be like a Christian Indiana Jones?
I can see it now:
EVIL LEFT BEHIND GUY: Steele! Throw me the Bible and I throw you the
whip!
RAYFORD STEELE: Not until you promise to reinstate prayer in schools
and abolish abortion in all 50 states!
"Apocalyptic Christian fiction has really developed as a niche," said
Seth Willenson, an independent market consultant active in the Christian
market. He described the "Left Behind" series as the "Star Wars"
of evangelical fiction.
Look out, Ewan MacGregor! There's a whole new look in town:
pissed-off Christian! Tagline: "They missed the bus to the Rapture
and man, are they mad!" Okay, one more and I promise I'll stop: I didn't
know there was a "Star Wars" of evangelical fiction.
Since Sept. 11, which catapulted numerous books on religion onto bestseller
lists, major media players have found new cause to dip their toes
in the Christian market.
Well, I'll close by saying that I'm just glad that someone
out there is profitting from 9/11. I'd really hate to see something
like that go untapped.
Okay, I'm all done with "The Left Behind", except to say:
send me your Rapture jokes! I love 'em. OH! And if you are in possession
of the Kirk Cameron "Left Behind" film, I suddenly really want to see
it and giggle a bunch. Christians - I know I was brought up to be one, but
sometimes I have to shake my head in puzzlement and wonder.
Well, I could go on and on about many, many gripes, including
the lack of electricity to my refrigerator and television set, but instead,
I'll close with this, which I discovered Saturday: Pizza, vodka and Oreos
don't make for peaceful slumber. Especially when mixed with Ed Wood films.
(Sideshow Bob shudder...)
Monday, February 4, 2002:
More kvetching on today's
news
:
WASHINGTON (AP) - Iran has threatened Afghanistan's stability by giving
arms to some Afghan factions and sheltering some fleeing Taliban
and al-Qaida members, Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld says.
"This regime deserved to be on the list and this regime knows
it deserved to be on the list," Condoleezza Rice, Bush's national
security adviser, said on CNN's "Late Edition." She said Iran was
seeking chemical and biological weapons, improving its long-range
missiles and pursuing nuclear weapons capabilities.
List? What list is this? Santa's Naughty/Nice
List? Well, I suppose seeking biological and chemical weapons
would probably warrant a move from the "Nice" to the "Naughty" column.
Jeez, no wonder those terrorists are so bitter and grumpy - all those
years with coal in their stockings; I'd be sending people anthrax
and poorly-spelled death threats, too.
Oh, and quite a score on the name "Condoleezza"!
I'm thinking it'll make a great musical someday.
Went to the Saturn V on Saturday, and can I
just say that it was quite a twist-fest? My toes still hurt,
though. "Celebrity" Twist Judge Pat J. did a fine job doling out
the prizes in the face of adversity and nutty nut girls who were
apparently nuts; to you, Pat, twist analysts at the back of the room
say "Kudos!" Orbit, Johnny, Ron, David and Dr. Pat on keyboards all
wowed the crowd (David even moved one on-looker enough to come up and
try to give him a nice kiss, prompting a like wave of support from
the females in the audience). Much beer was consumed, much twisting
was done, and all in all, a fine time was had by me, my guest and
from what I could tell, everyone in the whole place.
Oh, yeah, and the
Valentine's-Making Party
? Fantabulous. I made 3. Recipients will be pleased
to no end, I'm sure of it. Thanks to Mara and Jay for being wonderful
hosts, and Loki for playing fetch and being a really great doggie.
I even got me a new roomie while there; the talented Mari will be moving
in at some point soon to Casa Cantwell. I welcome her, her Lenore
comics and Powerpuff Girl videotapes with open arms. I sense
a housewarming party at some point...
Damn, I barely bitched about a thing. Must've
been a decent weekend. Now, where's that martini shaker?
Friday, February 1, 2002:
Okay, so I was just looking at the Hollywood
gossip
from today, and came upon this:
Actor Tom Cruise, an outspoken adherent of the Church of Scientology,
has lobbied the U.S. ambassador to fight for the group’s rights in Germany,
where it is not recognized, diplomats said Wednesday. ... The California-based
Church of Scientology was founded on the teachings of the late American
science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard. Its members include several high-profile
Hollywood film stars, including John Travolta and Cruise,
who embraced it in 1990 through his first wife, Mimi Rogers.
I just love a good Tom Cruise joke, don't
you? And why do I keep picturing him as Frank T.J. Mackey
in Magnolia , hawking his "Seduce and Destroy"
videotapes on late-night television in that stupid-ass ponytail
and wearing those slimy leather vests? No wonder the Germans don't
trust him! It's the first smart thing they've done since they stopped
trying to pass off those Storch Riessen Chocolate commercials as
American. People of Germany, don't trust the Scientologists - go
with your gut instincts! Don't give into the boyish charms of Der
Cruise! I mean, look at Hitler: he seemed like a good idea to some
of you guys at first! An engaging speaker, enigmatic! You could
sort of overlook the crazy thing for a while. He liked dogs, and was
even a vegetarian. But that didn't mean he wasn't evil.
I also like how they mention that Cruise
"embraced" Scientology through his first wife, Mimi Rogers.
They did not, however, mention, that he then "tossed her aside
like an old shoe" and she subsequently found it verrrrrry difficult
to work in Hollywood for the next 10+ years. Now, I'm not implying
he had anything to do with that, because I'm sure anyone involved
with anything as pure and good as Scientology (TM) would never do anything
like that.
*cough*
Let us never speak of the Scientology
again.
Full plate this weekend - Saturn V Saturday
(Saturnday) night at Mad Dog in the Fog, and a Valentine's-Making
party Saturday afternoon. Who the hell am I supposed to make
a Valentine's for? And out of what? Well, it sounds like a blast
anyway, so I'm going! Some poor unsuspecting schlub is going to
get a Valentine's from me just so I can go to this thing. Oh, and
one final plug: Brunching
Shuttlecocks
has a really fun review of "Mothman Prophecies"(see
below if you're not already familiar with my obsession with
this atrociously stupid-looking film)- it'll make you hoooowwwl
(really silly line from the movie; sorry, didn't mean to get
all hyper-referential on you).
Tuesday, January 29, 2002:
So the latest is, Walgreen's Healthcare
Plus thinks I'm some kind of evil pill-poppin' drug fiend and
doesn't want to send me my measly prescription (which I mailed
to them nearly a month ago - and this is WHY I have to mail it to
them a month before I'll need it) even though the doctor's office
tells me they called them about it TWICE and explained it to them (in
small words). So the genius I spoke to on the phone said I'd have
to mail them a brand new prescription. "Never mind," I said, remembering
I had a friend who just stopped taking the same drug. "I'll just
take my friend's damn pills!"
It's a sorry state of affairs when
you're telling the phone operator at Walgreen's Healthcare
Plus Customer Service that you're planning on doing what every
doctor advises against. Then again, my doctor just called back
and said, "Go to it, my good woman!" Okay, he didn't actually say
that, but I got his permission, so ...
Hey, the Ladies' Lit list Tea went
FABULOUSLY well. Everyone was brilliant and charming.
Mimi brought her cartoons and even promised to send me a color
copy of one. Yay! Mimi and Lynn brought Jello and Coconut Rum
things that they claimed tasted vaguely like Coppertone lotion.
They were good, but I had to keep my wits about me. Karen made
Lil' Smokies and was wonderful and witty as always. Beth was a brilliant
hostess, with Millie the Wonderdog.
My comment on the
news
today:
Gov. Jeb Bush's daughter was charged with prescription fraud Tuesday after
she allegedly used the name of a doctor who no longer practices
in Tallahassee to try to buy an anti-anxiety drug at a pharmacy.
... Asked about the arrest later at an unrelated news conference, the
governor said only, "It's a private matter. It's really hard." ...
Police said the arrest involved the anti-anxiety drug Xanax, a sedative
that can become addictive and is often abused for its heroin-like effect
of slowing the brain down.
Okay, (a) if there was going to be
a drug scandal in the Bush family, did it have to involve
something as lame as Xanax ? and (b) I love that
Jeb says "It's really hard." Just goes to show you, you can take
the Bush out of Texas, but you can't take the Bush out of the
Bush. I'm sorry, was I being snotty about the seriousness of
Xanax (notice they had to compare it to heroin just to make it sound
really hairy - maybe if you chase it with scotch!) abuse? Okay,
okay - let's all have a moment of silence for Noelle.
*Cough*
Let us never speak of the Xanax again.
Friday, January 25, 2002:
I'm back, it's late,
and I'm fucking tired. It's been a day and a half.
And if they show this damn commercial for
Mothman Prophecies
one more time, I swear
I'll kill myself. Can you tell me why Richard
Gere holding Chapstick is supposed to be scary? I can't
figure this out from the commercial. And why is a ghost
calling him on the phone to tell him he's holding Chapstick?
Does the spirit world need lip balm? Is it particularly
dry in the afterlife? Maybe if they drank more water, they
wouldn't need to be calling Richard Gere and asking for goddamn
Chapstick. Ooooooo-spooky!
Okay, so my day starts
at 8:00 a.m., which is the middle of the night for
me, since I usually go to bed at 2 or 3 a.m. I had to
take Hobbes to the vets for his curve day, or let-us-check-your-urine-every-few-hours.
I actually did get back to sleep for a few hours
before getting up and fighting traffic to Berkeley, where
I dropped the crockpot off at Karen's store in anticipation
of Lil' Smokies on Sunday (mmmmmm..... smmmmmmoooookies).
IDIOTICALLY I only allowed 40 minutes to get from Berkeley
to California Pacific, not allowing for the 18 double-parked cars
on University in Berkeley AND S.F. (although my favorite toll-taker
on the Bridge is back, the one who professes to love me!) so
by the time I arrived at the doctor's I was nearly 15 minutes late
and with the blood pressure of a 42-year-old hoagie-slamming New
York stock trader. Long story short: I'm alive, the the
doctor's office staff is still alive after making me wait for an
hour, and I actually managed to miss most of the worst of Friday
traffic coming home. Good news on the kitty topped it off, so
all in all, I can't complain.
Can I be political for
a sec? Just spotted
this
on CNN.com:
With reports of the latest Mideast violence still fresh, President Bush
on Friday said that he was "very disappointed"
with Yasser Arafat and that the Palestinian leader
must do more to end terrorism.
Bush then sent Arafat to his
room for a Time Out, so he could think about what he'd
done. Cheney was spotted shaking his head and sighing, "George,
I'm worried about the Yasser."
(Smacks self on forehead) I'm
sorry, but even my cats think Bush says silly things sometimes.
I better go check the laundry now. Hey, and shut the door
all the way behind you this time. I'm not heating the street,
you know.
Thursday, January 24, 2002:
(Taps microphone)
Is this thing working? Check, check, sibilance,
sibilance. I love that Navigator Composer has this
HTML editor that makes it so easy to edit stuff. Had
I known making web pages would be this easy, I'd have done
it long ago. Of course, I'm going to have to redesign
at some point, but DAMN this simple text crap is cool. And
you are completely at my mercy! Foolish mortals! Mwahahaha!
Okay, okay, this is just silly. Since I have nothing
to complain about (that's a lie, I always have something
to complain about, but I'll spare you today), I shall save it
for a good one later. I am looking forward to Sunday's Lit
List "Tea" with the girls, and shall report back within reason.
Names will be changed to protect the innocent, in case
we do damage to Beth's house.